My roommate and I had a nyquil contest. The nyquil won.
If he can handle my muffin top then I can handle his front teeth.
i just met a girl who was sent to the hospital for using her phone as a vibrator and got electrocuted. 4 weeks later she got sent back for shoving a hot dog up there. welcome to the teenage american society
just tried googling 24 hr taco bell and when i typed "24 hour" it autocompleted with fitness. buzzzz killllll
while we were making out your friend starting kissing my toes and all you had to say was "just go with it"
She thinks she's a fairy, dude. A real fucking fairy with wings and shit.
There is a pube in my fucking eyeball
I'd rather be castrated by angry chipmunks Than live your life for 24 hours
Im eating a cannibus peanut butter and jelly sandwich, while snuggling a stuffed animal. Either this flu is really really harsh or I'm some kind of stoner toddler
How do I go about messaging a girl on a dating site whose little sister I've had a three some with...?
I had a 10 minute conversation with the refrigerator, it was telling me how it likes to be opened and closed. Ecstasy, I love you.
It's a 'fuck poison control' kind of night.
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
Update: just imagined being dirty talked to in an Irish brogue and I think my vagina became a sentient being.
He stopped me in the middle of a blow job to call his grandma for her birthday.
At least he has family values.
Randomize
