direct quote: "i'm so over my clit" either best or most awkward conversation possible with your COUSIN
Life lesson: Don't give a drunk girl a dutch oven after having taco bell. She puked all over my pillow. Funny as hell though.
It was confusing and full of hummus
Would you like to blur the lines between friendship and lesbianism tonight?
When you're opening a bottle of tequila with a golf club, it's probably time to stop drinking...
I'm pretty sure there was a language barrier but he knew what "harder" meant.
his dad came out and found me sleeping indian style on the couch with my cup balancing on my boobs. didn't spill a drop.
Your mom just threw up on me. Please come home.
Just break the ice by asking who had to take plan b this past semester
don't say the first was when I crawled under into the dressing room
You HAVE to stop telling me about the shit you do drunk. I can't be both your brother AND your gay friend.
He sent me a slow motion video of him jerking off...it was so long (the video not his dick) even I felt awkward watching it alone
I may have unintentionally punched your cat twice but he's an asshole anyway.
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?
WTF ARE YOU DOING IT'S FUCKING VEGAN COFFEE IT'S MADE WITH NUT MILK YOU'RE NOT A FUCKING SQUIRREL.
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