I've replaced the bottom of the food pyramid with alcohol.
We were making out when she went into convulsions. At least now I know she's allergic to peanuts.
I miss waking up, opening the closet downstairs, and finding you inside passed out.
It's nights like those I refer to my life motto: You can't be just friends with someone after you've seen their genitals.
Well for starters the people who just made my burger at the grab and go just told me to "hang in there"
also, the amount of semen in my carpet right now is unforgivable...
So coach him. No guy wants to admit being unsure of something in bed. It's a man-law or something.
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
They didn't have a "sorry I was late for your birthday party because I was getting arrested" card.
So your bra was hanging in the Christmas tree last night at some point I think
I can't wait for you to tell me about your sex.
It's a short, short story.
Props to you. You took the bet seriously. Making out with her for an hour right after she spewed
Alternately I could tell him western classical is just a series of events that had to happen for music to reach the point where Beyoncé was able to pen drunk in love, which is the pinnacle of humanity's artistic achievement thus far
You know my vagina and my heart have a mind of their own even when it’s pouring snow.
I was trying to sext but got a notification that my dad and professor both commented on my Facebook photo. Bad timing.
Randomize
