Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
I just remember telling jokes while vomitting
I wish there was a classy way to show off your boobs.
Guy next to me at the plasma center is high and watching porn on his itouch. I am wayy to hung over for this level of poor.
I drunk madeout with my mom last night. it's guna be an awkward breakfast.
... was I dreaming when we did coke off of the xbox, or did that really happen?
THC water in my coffee on the way to work. How's your Tuesday?
My roommate is downstairs drunk, smoking, and listening to a self help DVD. Please dear God don't let this be the Ghost of Christmas Future.
Also, it was so cold in that bathroom that I saw my crap steaming, a first in my life
The ONLY reason I am doing laundry is because all my sweatpants are dirty.
Duck, Duck, Goose is now the autocorrect, safe for work version of fuck, fuck, loose.
Me: I shouldn't go to the airport bar it's too expensive and I don't need it. Dark me: SHOTS AT 7 AM
On a brief change if topic, last night I dreamt I got shit faced with bill Nye the science guy and we went bar to bar and explained the science of alcohol to everyone who'd give us free drinks. We wore bow ties
Can you get an STD by sharing underwear? Walk of shamed home and realized I was wearing someone else’s panties
No one knows. This doesn’t happen to normal people.
I'm at the fucking ritz Carlton and I would leave here to cuddle with her. Not even fuck, just cuddle. What th hell is wrong with me?
I think it's called love, bro
Randomize
