Mango Malibu should win a nobel peace prize
I'm at a party watching some dude try to eat a whole package of Oreos in 5 minutes.
the cop asked for your social security number and you gave her your high school locker combo
sorry for covering your dog in whipped cream. his bark made it sound like he wanted it.
I accidentally screamed the wrong name last night. He stopped for a second, said "fuck it, you're too hot to care," and then continued fucking me.
you came home soaking wet, and when I asked where your umbrella was, you pulled it out of your bag and were so proud you kept it dry.
there was a kid getting taken out of the waterpark handcuffed to a wheelchair singing "tryna catch me ridin dirty"
Announcement: Given the sad circumstances regarding the death of my dearest friend Chong the Bong, there will be a brief memorial service for him tomorrow evening at 10:30 at my place. After sharing some memories and sending his spirit off to the great bowl in the sky, we will all take place in the commemoration and maiden voyage of his son, Chong Squared, who eagerly waits to meet all of you. High blessings to you all, piece be with you.
Don't look him in the eyes, it like looking at the sun but instead of burning your retinas it makes you wet and vulnerable
So I'm thinking about sending him some "sorry I almost peed on your computer" cookies. Thoughts?
This hurricane was the perfect excuse to buy 2 pounds of animal crackers and a case of beer. It's on Sandy.
I think I just smoked a piece of your foot. Were u picking your feet by the weed?
I might be the strongest willed bouncer ever. Earlier tonight a girl flashed me trying to get in. I just replied "Sorry I'm gay", she believed me and left.
You don't know reunion panic until you've exfoliated your butt cheeks.
Nice girl until she takes off the fake human suit and shows you the flesh eating demon she truly is
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