Bought a water-proof vibrator. Rubber ducky is no longer the one that makes bathtime so much fun.
I just caught myself doing the gator chomp to my tv. I need to get laid.
I've come to realize sober is a rare time of the day.
We'll wreck the fuck out of my furniture. How often does one really get the chance to fuck through a table with no negative consequences?
Does taking an old homeless guy to the strip club, buying him lap dances, and calling him pops all night count as a good deed???
I threw up in the kitchen on the floor and a guy tried cleaning it up with a spoon at a party.
What we have is to special to throw away over a woman who spreads her butt cheeks on a pool table for me...
It'll be a romanticized airport meeting until I'm judged for sitting on his face in the terminal
woke up with empty beer can still duct taped into my fists and the word "dove" written on the back of my neck
You tried to get the Waffle House waitress to put a candle in your cheesy hash browns.
Doesn't matter how many times we tell him the kid's a freshman, he keeps repeating "cupcake boy shall be mine" and honestly you need to intervene
Walking down the street, Bro bumping to 'still' by dre. Dropped his trash on the ground and aggressively sped up when his light turned green. If you still had love for the streets you wouldn't of fucking littered. Took everything for me not to yell at him. I know you would've.
I'm disgusted with myself. I feel like I need 10 boxes of Summer's Eve and a baptism.
We poured all the Fireball on the Slip and Slide and long story short I have two black eyes.
So apparently I fell asleep sitting on the toilet last night while my drunk girlfriend sang to me.
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