i wish there were pregnant emoticons
Did you know that when you swallow it's like 60 calories!?
That's okay, it's all protein anyway.
Dude you called me last night to let me listen to you piss in a cup and drink it. Just making sure you survived
if you want blown tonight you're gonna have to take me up on that offer now. in less then 45 minutes you're gonna be blacked out and i'm not doing something i'm not getting credit for in the morning.
I'd rather say I'm a whore then admit it's his child. Its that bad.
They woke me up at 4 in the morning screaming "drunk adventure time!" because they needed a sober chaperone. They made me walk them around the block shoeless.
I swear that when we jog in the morning I can hear it slap between his thighs
I just used my AAA membership to fix a strippers flat tire in return for a lapdance...does that make me a bad person?
tanning, a slurpee, and a cigarette. spa day college edition
I literally walked into the toilet, looked at my reflection, said "alcohol" and went back to bed...
Did you clean his pubes up off the table yet?
She had never heard the term "grundle" before. Classiest girl I've met in months
You used a fucking bud light like as lube last night. I'd get a UTI test like stat.
Just dropped the most perfectly rolled joint into the toilet I just finished taking a shit in, hadn't even had time to flush, 5 second rule?
No!
Uh oh. Put down the vodka cancel the clowns and get rid of the donkey
Randomize
