all thats left of you is your magnum wrapper on my dresser
we are learning about oedipus in english. fuck you for making this awkward for me
How the fuck did I get small bruises all over my body?
Well you were laying on the couch naked after the girls left, staring into space, and I went over to the pool table and threw every ball as hard as I could at you from point blank range . You didn't flinch, blink, or scream for any of them. next time maybe you won't fuck my girl while I'm taking a shit
Just sit in your kitchen floor until something speaks to you.
Sorry my moustache came off because I was face first in a layered bucket full of jello shots.
Remind me again why sleeping with a coworker and his wife would be a terrible idea.
could you clean the juice and feathers off my bed I'm just not up for hangover cleaning.
I have a surprise for you guys
What is it?
A MOTHER FUCKING SURPRISE DON'T ASK QUESTIONS
The airport has the best people watching and munches... It should be a destination drinking location
Never let a one night stand shower at your place. My razor, lotion, and brush disappeared. #girlcode
I seriously had alll four of your knuckles bruised into my arm
WHY IS THERE NO EMOJI FOR "FUCK MY MOM JUST SAW MY SEX BRUISES?!"
I learned a very valuable lesson tonight...don't touch a cops tazer
Somehow you're a lightweight AND an alcoholic. Rare combo in one person. Well done.
Can you please bring the nipple sombrero up?
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