Decided to write a book called "girls don't poop and other myths I wish I still believed in"
Just rolled over and realized my vodka goggles are not as functional as my beer goggles
I'm drinking rum and coke straight from the 2 liter bottle.
definitely just fell out of bed trying to plug in my phone. when did laziness start getting painful?
you can feel better about your life now. i slept with a guy who has gold teeth
I think I just agreed to be an escort for an Asian guy who's gonna be in the city next weekend before he moves back to Shanghai...
Just had a memory of you pretending to be a begging dog putting your head on my lap while I fed you. Great night to try a new drug.
I like using largw condoms because they are more comfortable but also I feel bad because it's like false advertisement
So, were you planning on telling me you left your panties in my glovebox??
So now your dad has seen my tits. You could have told me he was coming by to help paint.
I didn't think you'd be painting the kitchen topless.
I couldn't find a shirt I was willing to ruin.
I woke up upside down with my head in your ottoman and like a foot of space between the ottoman and chair.. My legs were straight up in the air... Yes. Your mother found me.
I text the word "masturbation" so much, all it only takes my iPhone to auto-spell it is for me to type "mas".
Oh and ps....i was sleeping soundly until i woke up by the sound of amy on the phone with her mom sobbing hysterically because she cant stop having the shits.
He told us when he was 10 he started shoving bars of soap up his ass for pleasure so i winked at him
I had a threesome with my hot neighbor and his GF and by threesome I mean I heard them getting it on in their apartment and I was in my apartment with a vibrator
and I may have moaned his name loud enough that they heard me because now he won’t make eye contact
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