My cock was attacked by outdoor plants
every time I hook up with him I think about the fact that penicillin was a mistake too... and look how well that turned out. It makes me feel just a little bit better.
After you puked you called ur mom and told her you fucked on her bed, then u said "Have a good night mommy!" hung up and passed out on my couch
that would explain 17missed calls and 3 very angry voicemails from her
I'm watching a Sinbad stand up special. Not even drugs can make this funny.
Horny girl and non horny girl have different views on life
Have you ever wondered what your stripper song would be?
I fell asleep with all the lights and heat on in the apartment with windows open, Earth Hour is lost on people like me.
I have fruit by the foot roll-ups. I wonder if a man could tie them together and make an editable bra....
From time to time I think I'm happy for a second and then I remember how a guy stopped me from giving him head on my birthday weekend.
If she's over 40, she won't believe you if you say " I'm only going to put the head in"
HEY JUST FOUND A SHIT TON OF MONEY IN THE PURSE HE SENT BRB GONNA GO BUY ME SOME MALE STRIPPERS AND BATHE IN THESE TWENTY DOLLAR BILLS
If Plan B had a rewards card I would have earned so many free tote bags by now
Meh, all I have to do tomorrow is proctor an AP test. No loud noises and no physical activity allowed for almost 4 hours. Sounds like the perfect recovery period for a hangover.
I just licked wine off my own thigh. I've hit a new low.
She's eating hot cheetos out of the bag with chopsticks, Matt, how is she NOT my soulmate?
Randomize
