He wanted a quickie. I said, can I play doodle jump on my iPhone during? And that's exactly how it went.
I just talked to a CEO of a fortune 500 company while pooping. I LOVE being self employed.
i found a beer bottle on top of the urinal, peed in it and put it back... if anyone gets drunk enough to fall for it they deserve it
I wiped a tear off her cheek with my boner. It cheered her up
at what point did putting a bag of doritos in the freezer seem like a really good idea?
The kid next to me is typing a powerpoint presentation.. title: Reasons to Wear a Condom, subtitle: The Ian Story
The first slide was titled: You Could Get a Girl Pregnant.
She's trying to feed the TV fried rice and screaming "FRIED RICE AND TEARS". Please bring me more booze.
I just invented spray cheese vodka. tastes real nasty but does the trick.
Just did a relay race involving shotgunning beers, cannonballs and riding a blowup whale. Never want to leave vacation.
I threw up for like 20 hours. Im gonna be the DD for the next 5 years.
I also know you puked in your shoe.
That would explain the note .... I apparently wrote myself an apology note from drunk to sober me .... saying "sorry for the fancy shoe soup" .... ugh I'll never drink again ...
How awkward is it to have the guy you used to sleep with congratulate you on your engagement? I'll tell you. Very.
I'm 2 weeks in to my all dick and carb diet and so far I've lost 2lbs.
i need to get drunk because i'm an angry sober
I'm not sure what happened. There's a frozen waffle in the floor and he's walking around with a curtain rod and making planes out of bread slices...
Randomize
