apparently it's okay for him to stick his dick in my mouth but not to let me have a can of diet pepsi for the road.
Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
just ate frosted cheerios in coffee with some marshmellows. the college diet begins
I knew we should have skipped class earlier, my lab partner is drunk from last night and making up his own experiments.
There are no words to adequately express my gratitude for sending me porn you found staring a former classmate.
I wish there was a lawn mower version of Roomba so I could just drink and cheer it on from the stoop.
no i brought the cat to the bar. I got a weird look when I walked in but now everyone loves her.
do you find it slutty that the last person I had sex with is also the person who sings my ringtone ?
good news: I made it out of bed and into shower. Bad news: I made it back to bed without clothes. Worse news: I don't know this bed.
I feel like I can hear facebook. What did we smoke?
I just used my AAA membership to fix a strippers flat tire in return for a lapdance...does that make me a bad person?
I woke up smelling like chlorine with a broke toe. They know how to fucking party on lake lanier.
I feel like I got ass raped in the brain.
It was fine. Until I accidentally shit on his floor.
Mike's not allowed to drink vodka anymore. He couldn't get his temporary tattoos (stickers) to stick so he super glued them on.
You need to go! It’s a midwestern wedding - the single girls out there think life ends at 25 if they don’t have a picket fence and family. That’s when your penis introduces himself
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