Midget Michael Jackson impersonator dancing to Beat it in Penn Station almost caused me to miss my train. God, I
My fucking roommate unpluged my alarm; I pissed on his clean clothes.
no memory loss, but i'm unhappy with my memories
I just smoked my last bit of kief with a grill lighter. This is what crackheads must feel like.
We realized tonight that we have to get advice about guys from you because you're our only straight male friend that neither of us has slept with.
Sex last night was mind blowing. your wife is one lucky lady.
I just really don't even know what I would do with a boyfriend... Like do I just kiss it and then leave it in the corner? Like how often does it eat??
I was behind him snuggling, I told him I was the big spoon and he told me I was too little it was more like he was wearing a backpack.
look on the scale of 1 to the time you hit an old lady with your car chlamydia barely even rates
I think someone tried to make a huge bowl of ramen in my bathtub. There's noodles everywhere in my bathroom.
He still texted me and invited me over a day later so I guess I'm the lovable kind of psycho
He's so in love with you that you could fuck a blood relative and he'd be like "I just want you to be happy"
Chugging this bottle of Jim at the airport is proving more difficult than I imagined. TSA is not amused.
Every time I download Tinder again, I hate myself a little more.
Wait, there's no way I said I would suck his dick. I know drunk Katie.
No, you told him to suck YOUR dick.
See now that sounds like drunk Katie.
Randomize
