I submitted an essay to my history teacher comparing changes in the middle ages to the song changes by David Bowie. I can't wait to see my grade on that.
I passed out leaning next to a light pole. When the cop woke me up at 4 AM, I told him I was a block away from the apt, just had to stop to make a puke pit stop.
More likely there's a very shell-shocked cat wandering around somewhere, covered in potato peelings
I once puked on the side of the hwy driving home and it somehow made me feel more Canadian. So don't rule it out
I'm obsessing over hocus pocus right now. What if I change my Grindr profile to "come little children, I'll take thee away to a land of enchantment"
Here's the thing, you got road head in two different cars tonight. You feel lucky yet?
Im invoking the "no judgements" clause of our friendship.
My god, what have you done?
He put his name in my phone as David Hot Guy With Tattoos and I fell in love because that's what I was going to change his name to anyways
You ever fart so hard while you are asleep that you wake up screaming?
In all fairness that 65 year old man looked 23 in club lighting so you can fuck right off
It's been awhile, you pregnant yet?
1. so the new neighbor u called dibs on.. I'm sorry..but not really. 2. She lactates, I guess that happens when you have a kid less then 5 months ago.... WTF!! 3. Is it fucked up I'm craving Ceral & Milk now?
99% of the contents of my handbag are ketchup packets and condoms. I feel that says a lot about me as a person.
It makes me so happy that my local liquor store has a black lab that is there every day. Really tho - it makes the higher prices excusable.
Just convinced the cute guy from class that I have prostate cancer. GET ME OUT OF THIS TOWN!
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