upper decked the toilet at the restaurant that wouldn't let me pee there yesterday
Seriously, I would hit on barney the dinosaur right now if it meant I was going to get laid.
She was walking with the authority that 2 beers gave to a light weight.
So they call this "a walk of shame" but fuck that...this walk is fantastic. What kind of debbie downer came up with that name?
Just found a picture of a hobo making out with her tits...a HOBO
I'm fucking an ugly guy. Don't come home.
well now I have to
I feel like that needs to be the last time i end a text with "fuck them i love tequila".
I thought 4 percs were too many but I'm dumping Gogurt on apple pie and taking giant bong rips. This feels right.
I definitely made out with a high school student last night while his sister and my brother were in the same room. I think we're all traumatized by the situation.
After he finished going down on me he came up from under the covers, threw his hands into the air and shouted "take that lesbians!" and finished with "and we have dicks!"
Just ran into a client at a sex shop. The meeting tomorrow is going to be really awkward as we both try not to picture each other using vibrators or role play costumes.
We need to make boob twerking a thing. I feel like that's why vine was invented
She found my old SD card with stuff I "didn't keep" or "didn't record us doing".... She's pissed but really horny. Did I just win at sex?
well smoking weed has become a deal breaker for me so I pretty much use "let's go smoke a blunt" as an icebreaker
I swear to god if you keep eating my cats food drunk I am going to kick you out of our apartment.
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