Going to bed naked. Too bad I am all alone. Need to make some changes. Either sleep with clothes or with you
I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
been sitting in chapter for 25 minutes. drinking last night's franzia out of a XXX vitamin water 10 bottle. recruitment chair has no idea. life is good.
he was screaming in a recently acquired accent that he paid for delivery and they could cancel the entire order if they didn't come upstairs
I thought you said it was going to get worse not hilarious.
the delivery boy turned out to be my students mother. now she knows that i have incredibly low standards AND thanks to the fact that he still has dialup the pizza tracker was way off and she rang the bell and he answered mid bong rip.
worst night to have a conscience
why do you have a stuffed bear wearing a thong and a seatbelt in your backseat??
Dear Beer Goggles, it's time to see the eye doctor. With love, your biggest fan.
Apparently she saw two women get in a slapping match over a comforter at target yesterday. She said it was awesome. Clearly I take after her.
We got out of the car in valet drinking beers we gave the valet one as a tip
so my pro life roomate found a used condom wrapped up in her sheets with your panties. never letting you have sex in her bed again
I might go to an NA meeting just to fuck that boy in the bathroom.
You can't break up with me. I brought you to see Beyoncé.
I just stood beside an Amish man and bought Cocoa Krispies and tampons.
Well I'm back. Could you fill me in on what I missed?
You don't want to know. Trust me.
Lost my pants last night. Really need to stop taking shots of whiskey like I'm eating skittles.
Randomize
