blow job with a beer in the shower, I just created the ultimate day spa for dudes
Hey guys, just to let you know, I have a boyfriend...so that hookup was kind of a one time thing.
was that a mass text??
i just saw that homeless guy who dresses like the cat in the hat at the liquor store. i guess he got enough change to have a good weekend. oh the places he'll go
We ended up getting arrested after we flagged down the cops for a ride home with open beers in our hands... turns out the "nobody told me" excuse doesn't cut it anymore
I think the only context in which I'd be comfortable being kidnapped is by a band of baby sloths
I thought I would be a proper lady and put my spare panties in a ziplock
My cardio is walking around the office looking for free food.
I see you listening to my get shitfaced playlist on spotify. glad we're on the same page tonight there's a drink waiting for you downstairs.
I was grinding on my boss last night. So Monday will be fun. That's what's going on in my life right now.
I just borrowed porn from my middle aged mother. This is what desperate looks like.
If you're gonna show up unannounced on hangover day, you better have coffee doughnuts and a boner
I wish he’d realize all I want is dick. He’s my boytoy. He’s a stunt cock. \n\nCome over, fuck me silly, eat some leftovers, fuck me again, then go back to the frat house
I was asked to be part of a mmf threesome. I think I'd rather stay home, watching Orange is the New Black and cuddle with my cat though
Get over here and bring your drill!!! The strippers next door need help installing a stripper pole by their pool
So I guess I walked across campus with "pat my ass" in sharpie on my forehead.
You deserve it, you colossal cock block.
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