just gave a homeless man a kiss in exchange for two handles
exact location. now.
I woke up with fried rice in my sweatshirt pocket came downstairs and found all the chicken in the fridge gone. I'm THAT roommate aren't I?
I take back everything I said about communal showers
She's never allowed to turn 21 again
scarred for life. way too high and witnessed some chick give a dude head on the dance floor
They woke me up at 4 in the morning screaming "drunk adventure time!" because they needed a sober chaperone. They made me walk them around the block shoeless.
I said I was going to sleep an hour ago. Now I'm making plans to get high with the guy who mows your lawn.
You crawled through a doggy door 5 times for a shot if cheap vodka.
And our DD is passed out in the bathtub with the curtain closed. What happened tonight
I mean it was his birthday. How was I supposed to tell him he could not wear a sombrero while we bang.
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
Just me, my martini, and my backup Martini.
If I don't get to have sex with him soon my entire female reproductive system is gonna climb out of my body and choke me to death
Bro I needs to be rescued in 30 mins...prfeebly someone died in a car accident needs to be the excuse
I'm just waking up. I awoke in a towel (I must have showered at some point),i also found a half eaten McChicken in my bed and vomit in the toilet. Seems like I'm winning at life
Randomize
