Starting drinking whiskey at eight. Already had ten girls looking up my kilt to make sure I'm wearing it right.
This is the moment in my life where I take a fork in the "nice guy" road ive traveled for 23 years and fuck everything in sight that doesnt have herpes, or is in-between flare ups and I don't know about it until my dick is on fire.
Hi Jessica this is Jessica and I am texting you and were taking lime shots and it's fantastic and I broke your elbow and I love you xo
This girl just swallowed a pealed banana whole. I'm not worthy.
I had to photo shop your nipple piercings. that was extremely awkward.
When he goes down on me, he stares me in the eyes like a shark mocking it's prey as it devours it. Plus, his beard smells like dirty gym socks. This has got to end.
Don't ever give your dog some hamburger at midnight. Its impossible to enjoy a late night burger when your dog just threw it up all over your carpet. Gremlin rules work with dogs.
I rang in the new year by giving a lap dance to a Lutheran minister in a roomful of people including his wife. Jesus would be proud.
Just chugged a Bloody Mary in 60 seconds flat. New personal best! Happy Sunday!
He's balder, I'm skinnier. I win. I. Win.
Our prom king just sent me a dick pic. I know it's 10 years later but I feel like I've finally made it.
Thank you for trusting your ovaries to me
New low: uploading my contacts into Facebook in an attempt to get the name of the girl I brought home last night.
Did u guys seriously make a betting pool on when im going to get pregnant???
Yep, wanna bid?
Any luck with the purse?
No, though I did find her weed. Also her sons name is King. I'm uncertain how I feel about that
Randomize
