I thought she had blonde hair
No, Gonorrhea actually
When i woke up this morning she asked me 'when did you first find out that you could see the future.' I gotta stop drinking.
Wait, we're on the hunt for addys and explosives. They're both in this house somewhere.
My 10 year old son gave me a bottle of jameson for fathers day. Did you have something to do with this?
shouldve known this week was gonna be bad when I threw up in my coffee mug
Giving me the bigger bowl of ramen isn't considered "romantic"
can you explain how you are here for one night and now my kitchen table is in 11 pieces..
But then he started to talk about his wedding he wants and I quote " and yes parts will be choreographed"
do you think semen can infect my impacted wisdom tooth
What's the address?
Too drunk. Just google it.
IT'S YOUR HOUSE
Russians do not operate on the same level as the rest of us. hoping I wake up tomorrow
It is super hard to find a good vegan dominatrix! THAT'S why I'm single
I'm not kidding, he literally jumped in the red panda exhibit. I knew this was gonna be a good birthday.
Ahha guy saw me buying beer, went "hmmmmm" and nodded his head approvingly. No words exchanged, but he has made his way to my heart haha
Forget about letting a 70-year-old man suck on my tits for coke... telling my new boyfriend about it was the poor life choice.
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