Come back if u want to. I'll do some dirty shit to u mamacita.
ii just google-imaged 'sad turtle' and maggie gyllenhaal only came up once. what is the world coming to?
ok so I'm texting you now like I promised instead of drunktexting aaron and telling him how badly I want his cock tonight. aren't you proud?
this is Aaron, hi
so i made out with some dude last night at the bar. and some girl just stood there and watched. i felt bad so i made out with her too. She looked like she felt left out.
They told me you were taking cheese cube shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce... Is this true?
Hypothetically, if a stripper with braces bites you on the cleavage and it leaves an open wound, do you need a tetanus shot?
He got punched in the face, dropped his laptop down a flight of stairs, and broke his roommate's lava lamp, getting all the toxic lava goo everywhere. This is why we don't let him get drunk. And yet here we are.
I've never been to a "going away to jail" cookout. do we bring a present?
Sorry bro I thought you were kidding. If I'm actually jerking off I usually said "Just a sec getting dressed" or something
The ONLY reason I am doing laundry is because all my sweatpants are dirty.
Why is there never any toilet paper at his apartment? What does he wipe his ass with? WHAT DOES HE WIPE IT WITH?!?
Thanks to a bad fart decision during a production meeting, I am now on my way to Target to buy new pants. How is your day?
there's a 50/50 chance the night will end in alcohol-induced rituals of satanic nature
So, I ran into Garrett last night in the laundry room.
Oh really? First post break-up run in. How'd it go? Awkward?
Um. We had sex on a washing machine.
I frew up on some kids lovely sidealk chald drawings..
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