Apparently I farted on her in my sleep. Then, just to be sure she was cool, I did it again on purpose and she didnt say anything. So, WIN?
She looks like Sash Grey but sounds like Fran Drescher. Advise.
hearing that almost makes me feel good about peeing on the coffee table
The nurse told me they're using the same medicine that killed michael jackson.
Dude. I'm busy doing PR for America. FOR AMERICA. Europeans think we can't handle liquor.
When did I go from having sugar daddies to being one? And does it count as a tax write off?
Bad Decision October is in full swing. I was telling people that "I put on eye makeup today, I'm takin' a dude home with me!".
You called my nipples compassionate. What does that even mean?
Never let him bartend when he's tripping. He sprinkled a ton of mexican shredded cheese over a jack and coke and called in a Monterey Jack Daniels.
I know how vodka works Grace. I'm drunk, not stupid.
He had a flex off with himself in the mirror but he thought it was someone else for at least 20minutes.
When is the right time to ask your new roommate for her school schedule so she doesn't walk in on you fucking some rando in the kitchen in the middle of the afternoon?
sober me thinks like you do. drunk me needs sober me's advice. am i allowed to go to his house?
Well, I was giving him a handy and I sighed in boredom. He heard. I had to fake moaning sounds after he asked if I sighed.
I just made myself 3 peanut butter sammies because I was too hungry to watch porn
Randomize
