I wish i could clap on, clap off my penis
You poured sparks in your panties and NOW you're wondering why you have a UTI?
I think my plan to not drink this week was just ruined by my mothers discovery of the chat function on facebook
I was born in the year of the cock... How fitting.
It's such a good feeling to send those "I'm not in jail" texts on Sunday morning
I'm not throwing down for dinner because I plan to have so much tequila I puke it up anyways. How much is a cab home?
Hes a nice guy and all but I'm only interested in his drunken alter ego.
I pulled my bra outta my purse. Covered in honey mustard. I still lack an explanation.
Okay so for future reference and your own safety I should probably tell you that it is not cranberry juice in that bottle on the kitchen table.
Of course I fucked him. He's a professional beat boxer, his entire job is to do complicated shit with his tongue.
The bump on my forehead, i think, was from falling asleep at front door, on my knees, slumped over. But we played good music so what?
Just heard him in the middle stall. Sounded like someone emptied a toolbox into the toilet.
I just had to explain why I ate a whole quart of mac and cheese before 8am. Not a good start to the day
Oh no...did you put star fish over your nipples again?
The blonde cop looked at my license and told me I better have be home when her shift ends
I hate you
Randomize
