Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
Protocol on turning down a date from someone in the House of Representatives?
Leaving the phone at home last night was the best decision I ever made.... Though I still managed to text her and now I have 2 phones...
I wish dancing around my house in my bra and underwear to Love Shack whilst eating strawberry cake batter was an acceptable form of exercise.
I'll be in my room with a breakfast burrito at 2:30. It's up to you...
Honestly I'm so excited to go to bed I feel as if I don't deserve to be in my early twenties.
We started pregaming at 8. It's 11, and her only 11:11 wish is to be sober. It's hard to not love her.
Apparently that big girl from last night tried to take me upstairs when I was blacked out and all I did was grab Qs arm and whisper 'don't let her take me'
You know what's awkward? Being with your girlfriend and seeing her ex-boyfriend that she left for you while you've got a Ron Burgundy level awkward boner.
it wasn't a total waste of time; I mean how often do you get to play scotch pong?
.....fair enough
I WAS KIDDING ABOUT SLUTEMBER BUT ITS ACTUALLY HAPPENING
Stay calm. It's a titty bar. A ring of cocaine will protect you.
I think it's time for tequila and I to go our separate ways
RESIST THE DICK
thats like telling me to resist drinking water. impossible.
Look. All I'm saying is that if the USWNT can win a shit ton of medals and have two gay love stories with happy endings, there's still hope in this world
Randomize
