I had five suicidal voicemails from him when I woke up this morning. They all started and ended with "DON'T FUCK MY ROOMMATES".
It was only one, it doesn't count.
Yeah I tried to leave with 3 drinks and the bouncer wouldn't let me, I slammed all 3 right in front of him and football spiked them in the trash can
Exactly, finding that perfect flask to come with you on all your adventures is like finding the perfect wedding dress. You have to feel it.
There's some muscle relaxers in my bedside table. Sorry if my dildo is in the bathroom.
It's just not a Friday night unless I'm getting propositioned by a guy in a wheelchair via Facebook messenger...
If you can count on one hand the number of times you have actually, truly nearly died this month, then you are not really living yet.
But seriously who drew a dick on a tortilla and nailed it to the door?
So what's the moral standing on reading gay porn on your phone whilst sitting next to your 87 year old Grandma?
He has silky zebra print sheets, which you would think he put on just for me, but the bed was unmade. Did I just sleep with a closet case??
I don't trust a bar IN TENNESSEE that doesn't have Jack Daniels.
Things he's good at: oral sex and geometry. Things he's not good at: actual sex.
The FEDEX guy just cock blocked me by getting his van stuck in my driveway
If I get back to the house before you, I'm setting up the swing. If you get there before me, it's chains and cuffs.
This is the most aggressive rendition of that Proclaimers song I ever heard.
Omfg I just White Claw shamed a Girl Scout Cookie mom and I feel SO BAD.
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