i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
you used to get mad at me for mentioning 'unprotected sex' and happenings in my bed
well yeah, but then i realized the wisdom of your ways.
Then my mouth guard fell out of the hole, so that's how the dog poop got in my mouth.
well at least you didnt have sex with him. i feel like a proud mother. you always have sex with them.
Hey man, sorry I chased you around the house with a small table.
I'm sweating so much right now i look like Whitney Houston
Like I said I'm looking on the bright side. The bright side just happens to be filled with penis attached to hot marines
We still need to grow old, buy a house, and drink 40's while wearing old people sunglasses, staring at the young studs mowing our lawn.
My contribution to the dinner party was a bottle of vodka and a bag of uncooked potatoes. I felt like a Russian serf.
If I get over there and the april fools joke is that there's no HBO, I'm setting fire to the place.
A horseman, i repeat, a man on a horse downtown just told me i was gorgeous and my friends were not. Not drunk enough.
I was going through my mom's stuff to find her xanax, and I found her vibrators instead. Plural. That is like the opposite of what I wanted.
looked up people from my old yearbooks. 3 ex boyfriends are gay. im getting drunk now.
I'm worried about your health. And your boobs. Actually, health, then boobs. Health first, boobs second. And third.
Knew i was going to puke. So i grabed a bowl out of the kitcken in the dark before bed...Ended up puking into a spaghetti strainer...
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