which bright sisters idea was it to put semi-formal in the middle of no-shave november?
sperm doesn't mix with malibu too well
i'm high and 74% sure there's a monster in my closet
I don't want to eat him, he probably tastes terrible.
I dont even remember coming home... All my stuff is strewn randomly around my apartment... And I woke up at 5 sitting propped up in my bed with just my arm in a shirt
i woke up hungover wearing my gym shorts and the condom from last night. Wine bar thursdays rule.
Did not foresee holding down food at work today to be a struggle today
Oh and no more ball pics to my family. Got in a little trouble over that. They have no sense of humor.
I love spring semester, so many high school girls visiting that think I'm the sexiest man alive just because I'm in college
Aren't you gay?
IT'S NICE TO FEEL WANTED DON'T RUIN THIS FOR ME
I spent the last 6 months operating under the assumption that I HADNT fucked a paramedic. I was wrong.
Yo making cake in the shape of a penis is no easy feat
Eating an avocado like an apple while doing shots of fireball and watching finding nemo. I need to get my shit together.
Definitely the only person to buy 2 handles a 2 bottles of champagne & 3 thirties while wearing a fanny pack
Why can't you just be normal and get dick pics from your exes like everyone else?
Yeah, let's go with that. Fuck that weak moment of complete honesty I just had.
Randomize
