Hahaha figures, hmm should I spank you? Or throw a cow at you?
Thanks to blow jobs, my margarita's at the bar are only 3dollars.
To bright to open both eye. Get pizza and put in feeding tube so i can sleep more
I woke up this morning with 2 australian chicks passed out in my living room, a whole bunch of coke on my kitchen counter and I have no idea how the fuck either thing got there
You leave a trail of fuck everywhere you go
If a Romanian girl's marriage isn't considered legal in the US then she's fair game right?
I'm going to join a nudist colony to win $1000. There are no down-sides to this.
I'm gonna drop in for a zip later man. It made me wanna eat my girls shampoo. Good shit
Fucking someone because they own a lava lamp is like fucking someone because they have 20 dollars and no concern for their house burning down.
The notification you get from snapchat that someone took a screenie is like a formal declaration of blackmail.
you said I shouldn't try to fill the void in my meaningless life with dicks but i am trying and it totally works
This snow needs to melt so I can get wasted on someones front lawn
It's like "hey I give your roommate blowjobs twice a week, want to connect on LinkedIn?"
You're right, I'd say my real all time low was when I let that fifteen-year-old feel my boob.
Just bought plan b at 8am. Then the cashier asked if I wanted to donate to the children's miracle network. Fml
Randomize