Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
i ordered 12 mcnuggets at mcdonalds and ended up getting 20. for free. miracles really do happen when your high.
I imagine the nuva ring like a bug zapper. It just kills them all.
this is a mass text to all the people i smoke weed with. I have Mono, so if we've shared a bong/pipe. sorry man.
Went to the wedding reception, and he left with ALL of the brides maids phone numbers. I don't know how he does it either.
I'm surprised I haven't crapped out a leprechaun, I'm so hungover
Everyone was hooking up and I was just by myself rolling around in the grass at one point ... Which I am allergic to.
he said he'd buy me TWO burritos if I took my shirt off
Please just fuck her. She's new to LA and doesn't know anyone nice.
You chucked an empty vodka bottle against the wall and yelled "Everyone calm the fuck down, it's just the cops." After 10 seconds of silence I looked over and saw you pissing their fountain.
Yes. That was the exact moment of my conscience clicking into instant high alert.
If you had been home 20 minutes ago, you probably would've caught me masturbating, so it might be for the best.
I just want a relatively mentally stable guy with tattoos and facial hair that loves Captain America as much as I do and will fuck me the way I deserve to be fucked, is that too much to ask for?
my dad just built a flame thrower.. you should probably get here
Omg I just looked in my purse from last night.. 10 bags of gummy bears.
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