I masturbated on the webcams with my bf yesterday then typed without washing my hands first... then my roommate used my laptop it was pretty priceless
i just realized that im half way to my goal of puking in every single toilet on our floor
Its only tuesday and I need a dd home from work. This is getting too easy.
She introduced herself as 'Ann the sober one.' Took me to a coat check and a lost and found. Then offered coffee and breakfast sandwiches. Turns out she's been paying her half of the electric bill running post-party operations.
I definitely hasselhoffed a taco bell burrito on my kitchen floor in front of my dad and little brother.
I mean two cocks this time. Trust me, I'm not gonna pull the same stunts as last time in this situation
Dude you're alone at a bar with a woman, and you're talking about my junk?
I know how to say Yes, No, and Your Mother's Vagina. So almost fluent.
We fucked to the rythmn of the thunder, it was magical
I lost half a toenail and didn't realize it. Bloody shoe shoulda been a clue.
Just described you as looking like "a very cute escapee from an Egyptian insane asylum"
This band has the most fuckable violin player I have ever seen.
I know I'm not a hook-up kind of chick but he is a firefighter & an EMS worker. I felt like maybe I'd be a good person if I let a good person inside of me
I just walked in on my dad beating it.. There's not a fucking therapist in ARKANSAS that can help me with that!
he asked me why I let you steal the gnome, and you jumped out of the bathroom, yelled "you know why!" and ran outside with said gnome
Randomize
