found the other keg... it's in the tree
If I had known I was gonna take my tights off and throw them over the balcony I would have shaved my legs.
He insisted that I looked like Kiefer Sutherland, told me he didn't know what to do about it, then hugged me awkwardly.
At first i thought she was a sexily dressed toddler. but not in a pedophile way, in a really on drugs way
I just want to curl up with him and brush his hair and sing love songs together, I think you should come over and end this
I think the saddest part about my sex life is that most of it is pity sex.
I have to pee in a cup in the morning and they are going to say....you just peed a miller light. I'm going to hang my head in shame and say yes...yes I did.
You then played what you called "a smooth jazz rendition of talk dirty to me" all thrusting your crotch at the bartender. Mom looked horrified, but my dad couldn't stop laughing
So apparently, after 11 beers, 2 pitchers of sangria and 3 rhum & cokes, the idea of popping a load of MD and jumping on the trampoline, in the woods, in my underwear was the best one ever.
I started my period on international women's day. It's like the world is congratulating me and punishing me for being a woman at the same time
It's has to do with my genitals. Don't ask.
i was so proud for not passing out at the same time as usual. i screamed that i had a "new personal best!" then some jackass explained daylight savings.
Can you see if my straightener is in your refrigerator?
Yes. Its here..
i'm bringing homemade birthday cake and homegrown weed. how awesome is this text?
She pooped on me during a reverse cowgirl. And it wasn't a little bit either.
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