haha omg you stole $185 from a passed out drunk indian on your porch and called the ambulance??
savin' lives aint cheap
What are these yellow papers in the kitchen?
These are the tickets we got last night.
Did i sign this one as Grizzly Bear?
Yes...yes you did.
FUCK TREES I CLIMB BUOYS MOTHERFUCKER
STOP listening to that song
dude. FULL moustache. it was like getting head from Tom Selleck
Found my puke from September encrusted to the floor under the dresser while cleaning before move out ..... Oh Freshman year
I'm going to fuck my way out of the friend zone if its the last thing I do
Thru out the entire phone conversation I went from thinking: he's making a gay come-on, to he's trying to sell me drugs, before realizing he was offering me a job with an internet company. Things are gonna be awkward in class this week.
well that explains the french fry and ketchup packet rolled into the wasitband of my sweats. thank you drunk me.
and I think you ate the old crusty spaghetti on the counter when we came home last night judging by the carnage
No. I either had a 6 minute orgasm or I had so many I lost count. I'm still not sure.
How's dinner? Come here? You can bring your boyfriend if you're ok leaving without him
He totally sucks at sexting. He sent me a clothed shot of his ass captioned "I know this gets you going." What?
I passed out in your bed last night...there maybe a snickers and twix bar under your pillow
He told his wife he was too old to pretend to be straight. She tried to argue. He walked two tables over and was like this is my highschool sweetheart and he's an excellent fuck, we're running away together. It was epic.
I got the shit slapped outta me last night but the pain in my jaw doesn’t even compare to the hangover I have.
Randomize