If I had a sex resume I'd get tons of jobs.
yeah, but i heard shes schizophrenic
i wouldn't even care dude, i'd fuck her and all 7 of her personalities.
The cab driver had me sign for the payment and I was like give me a second while I throw up right outside your door.
Her face is stuck to the frozen jager bottle. I think shes ok with it
I've started bribing my dorm's security guard with cookies so that he doesn't tell all the boys i'm hooking up with about each other.
It's kind of hard to say bye to you when you fall asleep on the bar..
i love that youre following in my footsteps.. pissing yourself on your birthday is an honor and a privlege
You are such a cockblock sometimes
You NEED a cockblock sometimes
I come back home for break and my room is full of weed either my parents really love me or they are having more fun then I am in college
Her voice kills me. Its the perfect pitch to fuck with my hangover.
I can't answer my phone I'm at work
I slept with a male stripper last night. Priorities
The only alcohol in the house was a bottle of Sherry. It's like cough syrup that I shotgunned off Strawberry Shortcake's ass.
It was total unicorn galloping on a fucking rainbow awesome.
My doctor said I can only have one drink at a time, ever, from now on. My life has officially started its decline.
He was a half hour late. His excuse was that his brother knifed him right before he was going to leave. I didn't believe him until I saw the gauze.
Randomize
