i was just outside smoking and i saw a hooker sing "i wish i knew who your daddy was" to her new born baby. someone explain to me why i ever left chicago to go to college...
My 10 year old brother handed me a pack of condoms and said "here, i don't wanna be an uncle yet."
for future reference: anal bleach BEFORE boozing
I found them on a couch next to the sidewalk screaming at cars with a megaphone. Kevin chased the mailman with a jello shot.
I hate about 85% of people that I meet. I'm an awful person. In reality my only redeeming qualities are my face, my amazing scissoring skills and the fact that children love me.
True on all accounts.
The strippers from this weekend suck at words with friends
I broke my arm trying to do a hand stand in my shower to wash the hate out of my asshole.
Im having a st. Get way fucked till i speak Irish pre game party. Bring a compass cause we are about to get lost
I feel like I got hit by a truck. And I vaguely remember getting into an argument with a passive aggressive Ron Burgundy in a onesie- grown man, not a baby- about the pronunciation of New Orleans
I'm putting his belongings the garage sale so he can buy his own stuff back. # divorced life. Thanks for cheating on me you tone deaf dick biscuit that'll be $20. Haha.
The only good thing about the sex was that he finally cracked the spot on my back that's been hurting.
There's no triumph quite like finally banging your high school boyfriend 6 years later
Remember that time I came to London for 4 hours, got hammered, cried for an hour and then left.
For future reference: When the bouncer is approaching you to remove you from his bar, you don't respond by taking off your pants.
I think the cop who arrested me yesterday is at my gym rn should I say hi
Randomize
