I just walked in on my mom and dad......It wasn't my dad
i'm so high that for the last 10 minutes i pretened my sock was a mouse, and played with it like it was legit.
I feel like I need to get a restraining order against him but I'd probably be the one to break it.
We should reintroduce naked Mondays
I wish you'd make everyone's lives easier and do him already. Then we can get rid of him.
He drank his beer out of his own shoe. Its his "party trick"
The homeless guy who goes through my garbage cans just gave me a flyer for an AA group.
The guys are trying to figure out my orientation....think theyve settled on "drunksexual"
If you get any calls give me a heads up. Im drinking rum in my underwear on the back porch.
Hooked up with a 20 year old. Only reason I did was cos I thought he was 18
I have this theory that your highest awareness of how drunk you are is while you're sitting on a toilet
I'm pretty sure i doubled the number of dicks I've ever touched, last night.
As a home can we vote to stab Peter?
I have an empty apartment, Chinese food, and fresh batteries in my vibrator. There's nothing on this earth that could lure me out tonight.
You like that 95% of the time I masterbate I think bout you?
Just wanna know what I can I do to earn the other 5%
Randomize
