I would like to thank collapsed soviet republics and fathers who didnt show enough attention for tonight's festivities
He literally had no idea who I was, so he made me turn around 360 degrees and when he saw my ass, he blurted out my first AND last name.
The lack of pants and amount of productivity in my life right now is amazing.
got so drunk i was kicked out of my own birthday party and tried taking a bottle of vodka with me
Yep. Just threw myself a bachelorette party with my coworkers penis before I re-enter the holy order of monogomous relationships.
Walking through campus with a grocery bag full of pot brownies. I'm like the santa claus of 4/20
it says 'tasty bitch' in sharpie on my tits...
You have 4 bottles of kahlua in ur drawers but no sox
If I make it home without being sick in this captain's hat it will be a fucking miracle.
Last night I was introduced as the Picasso of getting fucked up so I obviously had to live up to it by chugging long islands
Make me food? I don't want to be a science experiment. I'm dunk. Holy shit. Drunk*. Let's do science.
There are some people who should not be trusted with a cell phone while drunk. You know your one of them when you call the cops on your own party.
Jus pulled over and stole. Corn out of a. Field. ... get on my level
My ex unfollowed me on SPOTIFY bruh. Freaking spotify. The butthurt is real
Spotify says I’m in the top 1% of Indigo Girls fans worldwide. Didn’t know I would peak this early.
Aren’t you trying to seem...less lesbian?
Randomize
