Sweetheart, you've always been a horrid bitch...
I just walked by a ginger with a mullet. I repeat GINGER mullet. So help us God.
You tried to call the hospital and left a voicemail asking if you could be put on the liver transplant list as a "pre-caution"
My therapist said that she thinks i may have a sex addiction. I think she may be a terrible therapist.
Want me to drive you to Dr. Drew's sex rehab?
Nah, cause then i cant masturbate to that show anymore.
Mom got me cough medicine that tastes like tequila . She said she took taste tests. Best mom ever.
do you think a sharp knife would stab through a cheese suit?
Dude. I have so much pot that i only worry about running out of lighters
No you usually just ranted about the voicemail bitch until she cut you off again
Drunk logic "let's go outside in front of the bar to get sick"
I need a priest, doctor, and therapist after this weekend.
You came walking in the backyard at 10am, in cowboy boots, a new shirt, and had no money,....we lost you for 15 hours....i think you just need a camera crew, or an assistant. IMPRESSED!
He rubbed aloe on my sunburn while I blew him... could he be anymore perfect?
... Okay, fine. But I don't want to be a better person tonight. I'll be a better person tomorrow.
I mean, he'll either figure it the fuck out or set my apartment on fire. Either way, it will be entertaining.
I just paid a hobo to give me his Santa hat so I can take Christmas nudes. Will send them later, they're fire.
I hate when pretentious people talk bad ab corn dogs
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