woke up to an unread text message i sent to myself: "brreakfdast..pork and ice cream."
He was sweet. He even warned me that his dick curved, and I quote, "more than a banana."
So I vaguely remember making out with you this morning, I think you were on a date?
they wouldn't let me take the pitcher of beer on the ferris wheel
I had ketchup on my elbow and a random girl goes "I got it" and licked it off, only on game day
I make your heart skip a beat like that pivotal moment when you open a public toilet lid
Just rinsed and put my styrofoam cup of noodles in the dishwasher. I need to be not hungover ASAP
We were in the middle of fucking and she was just like "Do ya wanna play Harry Potter Scene It?" I musta been really bad lol Anyways, her tattoo healed nicely.
I didn't punch him it was just love coming out of my fist
And I must've sleep walked to the fridge cause when I woke up, there I was, balls deep in a fudge pop.
i would stab him if he didn't just tell me he is a priest
this is gentle reminder #1 not to forget to bring the vibrator when you come
Don't go to jail over some guy named Bunky
I may have just got motorboated by a male stripper who told me I should be a porn star and not a vet student.
You know that panicky moment when you go home with a guy and realize you’ve been there before?!? HAPPENING RIGHT NOW!!!
Turns out I banged his son a few months ago but the kids back at college so I don’t have to worry about him walking in while Dad has me bent over the couch
Randomize