the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
Quoting wale wont save you from herpes
I want to bury your face in my vagina. Possibly by force. I will try not to suffocate you though.
It wasn't a threesome, it was me making out with one while looking at the other one screaming "does this make you jealous?"
Then again, I'm single and napping with a stuffed yoda doll...so I'm not the world's authority on shit.
Pretty sure the nurse said at one point I was in full restraints because I tried surfing my stretcher
You were riding my three year old's train yelling, 'I think I can, I think I can!!'
I thought I could.
He passed out in the car on the way to the party. Seabiscuit tripped before the race even started....Lil bitch....
I shall welcome him into my body with an open liver and completely lay down all chance of resistance. Sweet Zeus, please take me to Mt. Olympus and share all that is divine. I promise, the secrets will be safe with me
One of your snapchats was of you with a 40oz of Mickeys and the caption: "Deep Throat back in her natural habitat"
How awkward is it to have the guy you used to sleep with congratulate you on your engagement? I'll tell you. Very.
I'm telling you, this vagina is really making the rounds lately...
If you find me in the bathroom in a fetal position, licking frozen bacon .. I might have Drank a little too much.
I drank all the wines... and all th Doritos. Whilst watching Fat Camp. I need to reassess my values.
Turns out tits aren't quite as effective an enticement when they know for a fact that they can't touch.
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