I just found glass in my funny face pancakes, there's nothing funny about that.
Ihop lady gave me free pancakes for being sober this time
I was cut off by 8, I need to rethink this breakup therapy strategy
I just shotgunned a beer alone in the bathroom...what do you expect from me
When the question of, do you know who's ass has been on the cake you are eating is said... Good or bad party?
I've literally already typed in by booty call text for friday night. all I have to do now is wait for is drunk me to press send
nothing says "fuck you jocks from high school my life is better than yours" like bringing 5 grand in 20s to the bar
I can't wash the smell of tacos off my hands. I feel like the Lady Macbeth of Chipotle.
Normally, it will inspire me to work. Today, it's inspiring me to masturbate.
Told him my main goal was to seduce the man and convince him to leave his wife for me. He didn't argue just asked me to let him know if I succeeded so he didn't waste anymore time not sleeping with the secretary at his office. I have an incredible boyfriend.
I need to stop acting like a porn star that isn't getting paid
She had a toddler. It threw up and then some guy said party foul and put it on the porch. Going back next Friday.
Yeah I passed out. The last thing I remember is the lady telling me I couldn't play the clarinet with my nose.
Idk if I want to put a bra on
The dogs decided to play a new game called "Who Can Scream the Loudest?"
I won.
Randomize
