meet me in the bathroom in 10 mins.
wait what? who are you hooking up with in the bathroom?!
aww shit wrong text.
Turns out drinking large amounts of Gentleman Jack does NOT turn you into a Gentleman -- quite the opposite actually.
I just ordered a 3 square foot pizza. This is how to beat an eating disorder.
it's amazing how much more room there is in my purse when I'm not carrying alcohol in it
If you could come over after class and poke me with a stick to see if im still alive id really appreciate it
Last night he asked the cab driver "if you were in the middle of getting tattooed and the tattoo artist suddenly got a boner would you leave or would you get that boner??"
Seriously, even though I keep it clean, I could douse it in bleach and set it on fire and still not be comfortable with you actually holding it. It's been in my VAGINA.
No, you made a silk sheet toga and held up a dildo calling yourself "The Statue of Puberty". People made pilgrimages from the other party down the block to see you.
No one should ever be so high that they forget the food. That's just...its a violation of God and Nature, of the very laws that we live by!
HOLY FUCK i just remembered we had bows and arrows and firecrackers last night
and flaming arrows and vodka
how did we not set your garage on fire
Listen, I just paid for a hotel room, so I didn't have to have sex in his car. I'm adulting successfully.
Weight watchers just said "you've tracked beer three times recently, want to make it one of your favorites?" I'm begining to understand why I needed to go in the first place.
Apparently his version of saying "I'm Sorry" is streaking around our apartment building then asking for a blow job.....
Nothing much. Just taking shots of tequila before I go get a bikkini wax. You?
QUICK FAX ME THE BALL
Not how faxing works at all btw
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