tonights recap: old cokehead freind proposed in the middle of a country bar to his trash girlfriend, saw ex-fuck who now has star shaved into his head and another with his gf, and ex-bfs best friends crackin jokes about who would fuck me first. NEVER COMING HOME AGAIN
How dare you send me a picture after midnight that isn't porn. You know the rules.
I just got this text "hi this is Julie, I met you last night in the bathroom. You asked me to text you and remind you that you ate an entire lime, because you figured your sober self in the morning would be confused."
She basically needs a man who will never act up and take all of her shit
I'm even having trouble finding a guy who's taller than me with no unibrow.. someone needs to tell her its time to lower her standards
She said " I'm going to get her back one day soon for putting extacy in my pop while I drove her to whislter" just a heads up.
He told me he wanted a penis beard so that he could look at girls faces when they gave him blowjobs. i have to say, i kind of admire his creativity
It is. We should just be drunk all the time forever everything is like just 90% more perfect
Just had a horrible realization. I've fucked a guy with a webbed foot AND a guy with a third nipple.
I used the light from the first guy's text notification to be able to snapchat the second guy in the dark. I am too good at juggling guys.
No it'll be my boobs and the luge part will be from my nipples. Everyone will be sucking beer from my perfectly sculpted and partially melted tits.
He took my virginity but also my remaining pizza. i dont know how to feel right now.
Just got stuck in an elevator on campus with a ton of British guys. My pants almost pulled themselves down.
What do you take me for? I'm not trying to lure you into bed with stories of my dead aunt.
I went out with a plan. I came home with a Brian. THIS WAS NOT PART OF THE PLAN.
I'm worried my dog collar isn't going to come in time. I might be trying on dog collars at PetSmart next week. That could get awkward.
Randomize
