hahaha Yeah oh well, she wrote on my facebook wall, That's almost like a digital hand job
took acid and went on safebus. all the lights were off except the adds. swear to god it was a submarine
I told you not to have sex with her on my futon
I didnt dude, i swear!
either that or you were eating mayo, which was the second thing i told you not to do on my futon
when we woke up the fish was dead lying next to us on the bed. wat should i tell her
Saw a sign earlier "Domino's Lava Cakes $3.00" and I thought of you. This text brought to you by thing I don't need to know about your sex life.
don't judge, it's breakfast wine Wednesday.
apparently the last bar didn't like my halloween costume with syringes filled with whiskey
You need to simmer down or I'm going to buy you a labia leash.
OH MY GOD IT'S LIKE SHOOTING FISH IN A BARREL, EXCEPT INSTEAD OF FISH THEY ARE FIGHTER PILOTS
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
it's all fun and games til I text you in last nights clothes with a head bleed
You know you're hung over when the glare from the cream cheese on your bagel is just too bright...
When you didn't respond I figured you must be busy so I'm home in my pj's 2 beers in and stoned from weed I got from my gaybours. They also gave me cake. I'm not moving from this recliner.
I had to say goodbye to one of my fuck buddies last night. He's voting for Trump, we shouldn't be doing it anyways.
Your dad was just slow dancing with the priest and holding a beer. Classic
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