I changed my tire completely alone.. I could totally win survivor
Its my greatest physical accomplishment
I think the only thing that impresses me are nice penises...and Jesus. Jesus would impress me. Especially if he walked on water again.
My brother just put in eyedrops to talk to my mom on the phone
Please call me back as soon as your phone is charged, if you die tonight I don't want the last thing I said to you to be "I just farted a little"
I am just pathetic enough to be sitting on the couch with my cat drinking absinthe and vodka watching moulin rouge. Hello, tuesday night.
Now you have tequila AND fuzzy slippers. Fuck you. I want that to be MY night.
when the song champagne showers came on you poured some kids beer over his head... while giving him a lap dance
hoooly shit dude in taco costume challenged alpha douche to a fight. he's got catch phrases. come. now.
It's like they're playing jeopardy and the category is "things that make women dry."
The cat be actin like a 2:30 am poop is the time to tell me all about her thoughts and fears in life. No bitch, this is definitely alone time.
She said she didn't know what fireball was. We are no longer friends.
Nothing says "single girl" quite like Pinot Grigio and canned ravioli at 11:30 pm....
Thanks for reminding me of all the hookups my brain has been trying to suppress...
That's what friends are foooooooor!
Just saw a fat guy on a flower print moped. He's my hero.
After the "sex" was over I dressed as quickly as possible. And then he came over to me stark naked and embraced me. For over a minute. And all I could think was please get your penis off my dress.
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