dude i need help, im throwing up blood.
no youre not, you just drank a pitcher of red koolaid trying to sober up.
oh, so thats why my junks red.
wow. cant help you there...
Can I have the boy from 16 and pregnant's next baby???
you went into starbucks asked for a mocha "on the rocks"
Thanks for getting me home last night.
No worries. I'll always be there for you, just like Mufasa.
I got groped on the dancefloor by both grooms. I love gay weddings
I need a leash, or some shame. Maybe.
Swear to god, if I have to wingman for you on my honeymoon I'm gonna be pissed
This honesty session brought to you by jagermeister inc.
Does buying my brother condoms for Christmas say "keep having sex with her, I like her" or "dear god, do not get this girl pregnant"?
His grandma held his dogs so they wouldn't follow me out the door. It was like a whole new level added to my walk of shame.
you threw me on the ground pryed my purse out of my hands screaming " I JUST WANNA HOLD IT A LITTLE BIT". later i found you putting on my lip gloss.
I think he should just go away to a small penis island and never come back
I'm over here willing to be the Yoda of fucking but I guess he just doesn't want to be a Jedi.
You're his holy grail. The moment he finally gets you to orgasm he'll probably just retire and become a monk.
drunk snapchatting is the worst, because i woke up with great pictures of my tits saved to my memories and no idea who i sent them to
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