If Ritalin and Plan B had an illegitimate child it would smell like me.
if you spike my cofee one more time im gona fuck you up. im presenting to the mayor in sevven fucking minuets. fuck you and youir fucking bartending classses i am so fuckign fcked
You threw up with your ski mask on still.
You almost set me on fire last night.
You probably deserved it.
I drank butter last night, who am I to judge?
Drinking Hot Toddies on the Porch and blasting bob dylans "hurricane" bring it on sandy!
I'm still pretty stoned. There are mini rice cakes in my robe pocket to snack on in the shower.
He has great taste in girls. I feel closer to my Eskimo sisters than my real sister...
You gotta own your makeout pics Matt. They're like badges of honor
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
I walked in on him pumping himself up by headbanging to the drumbeat from Jumanji.
For me the most fucked up part of last night was that I know for a fact that you were sober. But your dancing was a close second.
I broke another vibrator the other day. Abstinence is not for me.
My ex's girlfriend just invited me clubbing. Guess who won the breakup?
He was all “please don’t bail because I’m missing work for this” last night
Honey no, I need dick. I’m not going to bail
Randomize