After last night, I could never be a politician.
This is a mass text. Does anyone know where I am?
Whatever. We're stealing a penguin. Your not allowed near him... You did this to yourself.
After we fucked, her eye wouldn't stopped twitching and she could only move her hand, which she used to put her number in my phone
Today I met the neighbor that shares my bedroom wall. When I pointed out my unit, he said, "Oh, that's you? Oh... that's you." I didn't think much of it until I was in bed tonight and I heard him clear his throat. He's. Heard. Everything.
I'm so disappointed in myself I can actually taste it.
Does it taste like semen?
What's standard gratutity for someone having a miscarriage on stage at a strip club? It's important.
yeah we were the ones eating jello shots out of the back of a jeep in the bar parking lot
My head is just one big fuzz right now.. Its like someone replaced my brain with a teddy bear
well you don't shave your pubes into a handlebar mustache and keep the party to yourself
Had a dream I went to Disney to visit you and then I got really drunk and puked all over these little kids in line
One minute we were ordering sandwhiches. The next hes peeing in a trash can yelling at kids about how tv made him this way
Alex I've come up with a new medical condition. dick depression. it's a real thing and I have it
We need a rematch, I think my pussy was on vacation the other night.
Put viagra in his coffee. I did that with Geoff last month and three hours later I had bitten through a throw pillow and gotten a noise complaint from a neighbor
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