I just saw a homeless man with a cat on a leash. reminded me of you.
I am literally too baked to press the call button. How am I supposed to bone him?
Dude, she literally just asked me if her mac'n'cheese makes me horny. I think I found the one.
She rolled over this morning and asked "did you refer to my vagina as splash mountain last night? "
The magic cards should have been the first clue. The comments that I have "amazing birthing hips" and that I'm "beautiful in a child bearing sort of way just sealed his fate.
I told them the reason I passed out was because of "heat exhaustion." Not from showing up drunk. Good thing this is Arizona.
He's like Medusa, you can't look directly into his eyes or you'll turn into a slut.
Couple of things: my nipples are blue and knowing that at some point I'm going to have to poop is incredibly terrifying
I sleep texted my mom and asked her for a condom last night
It's kind of awesome I can smoke with my parents and tell them about thetime we used listerine in that bong
When that bartender tried to tell us he sang like Sade, I knew it was time to go
One of my life goals was never to see an uncircumcised dick. I guess that's out the window now.
We are such grown women, dealing with life's problems one shower beer and reckless makeout session at a time.
I'm determining which apartments I'm mostly to move into based on how suitable the kitchens are for sex .
My whole life is a joke
Yeah. I’m starting to see why you drink so much.
Randomize
