fuck, i think i'm broken. Alchyhol air mattress = the suck.
You can tell a man will be prosperous by the power of his farts- A fart that can shake the room is a voice that can change the world.
I love him more than I love myself. Which is a lot...Because I'm narcissistic.
My bracket is officially just a list of teams that lost.
i woke up and the dog was eating spaghetti off my chest.
Why would you fall asleep? This is why i cant drink with my lesbian friends anymore. They take my clothes off and get vodka in my top ramen. Only yoouuu can prevent forest fires.
U know that drunk state, where at 930 the next morning your sitting in a bath in ur bathing suit trying to sober up...yeah. That's where i am..
I almost lit my balls on fire tonight.
Okay who let me pass out in a recliner cuddling a pitbull and a cardboard cutout of Orlando Bloom
I'm content with our "friends with accidental benefits" situation.
I was so hungover at work I had my shirt on backwards. I had no idea how I managed to get through today puke free.
"Nobody needs to know that I have a vibrating butt plug and nobody needs to know that I'm probably gonna start wearing it at work"
This is the perfect outfit to do ketamine in, I must say
Hey I had a great night last night but I don't want to lie to you I'm only 19 and that wasn't my place its was my cousin he's gone for the summer and I was just house sitting and watching his cat I'm sorry
Sorry, Geoff can’t come to his phone right now. He’s outside trying to show his dick to a bachelorette party bus with “DTF” written on the windows
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