Yours is on the dinner table...mine is in my underwear drawer.
I told my girl, that I use to jerk off to Star Trek. All she says is, "Oh my gawd, you're such a trekie!". If I was her, I'd be weirded out more than me being a Trek Fan.
my desire to fuck abstract ideas (bravery, love, popsicls,,) increases by 8bajillion% when I'm high
Just whacked off in the middle of writing a paper, gave me great ideas. Note, should do this more often.
how do i tell him I'm always in the mood without sounding like a slut?
I just introduced him to multiple male orgasms. I love wine AND tequila
We drove past his house blaring "Like a virgin" in the middle of the day. pretty sure he heard.
He said hes taking shrooms and watching jurassic park so we're making a t-rex costume
we need ur ladder
We haven't even moved into the apartment yet and she has already screwed two of our neighbors. This is going to be the longest 12 month lease of my life.
First of all, I don't like eggnog. Second of all too much rum is all bad. And thirdly I'm not there to sit in your lap and pretend you are Santa and I've been a bad girl.
holy shit i just had sex in a phone booth i so feel young again
You tried to get the Waffle House waitress to put a candle in your cheesy hash browns.
your girlfriend showed us your homemade porn last night.
I offered to trade my cat for a bottle of tequila as long as it had a handle on it and realized I had a problem
Do you know who changed all my phone contacts into characters from Harry Potter?
He Who Must Not Be Named.
Fuck you.
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