i live my life in a constant state of hangover.
I had to put my glasses on last night to watch porn. SO getting lasik with my tax returns this year.
she told me she sucks everyone's dick but mine because mine is too big and "hard to suck" i need to reevaluate the girls i fall in love with.
I've never heard a "this is the reason why i dont suck your cock" explanation go in that direction
stop texting me from phones in the verizon store and pretending to be guys i talked to when i was drunk. its confusing.
sometimes i think my sole purpose in life is to cockblock my roommate
Bailing my boss from jail at five in the morning.. If thats not a promotion I don't what is.
The best part about being single is knowing how much everyone secretly creeps behind their gf/bfs back. You wouldn't believe..Have a great date night!
who's job is it to make sure we don't run out of tp since the incident of 09'... Thats right you go get some
I will sleep with anyone I have to to make sure you don't get deported
He asked me if I remembered touching his police badge. awk.
I just bottomed with the last unicorn playing in the background. I've hit a new level of gay.
Sangria Flip Cup was probably one of our worse drunken decisions
sober me is the one who makes bad decisions every boyfriend I've ever had I met sober
EITHER I'M HIGH OR JUST REACHED A NEW LEVEL OF SINGLE FEMALE SADNESS BECAUSE THIS BROWNIE IS GIVING ME ORGASMS
Only I would get an underage 24 hours before turning 21.
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