Sponge bath it is.
I woke up and she had washed, dried, folded my clothes, cooked me breakfast, and had started cleaning my room
haha, you sure you didnt fuck your mom?
Last night, my friend changed all my contacts in my phone. I have been texted by Batman, Donatello, and Hermione Granger. I have no idea who they are, and it doesn't upset me at all.
girl in front of me at starbucks just ordered 7 shots of espresso in her latte. welcome to finals week
Fail #1 I puked off the balcony onto the balcony below us and when I tried to pour water on it in the morning to wash it off it just went all over their deck. Sorry room 1342 but welcome to Jamaica
I'm stoned and have been watching so many cartoons that I changed the channel and real people were on, and it scared me
No.. It's totally over.. He deleted the poke I sent him.. That makes it official.
You called yourself Captain Aspirin and then tried to cure my headache by shoving pills up my nose. Fuck you becoming a nurse, you can't take care of me while you're drunk ever again. Ever.
I'm convinced my penis is the only thing holding this relationship together.
I am sufficiently unimpressed with the options available to my freshly shaved self tonight.
I just picked up a hitchhiker so karma will be on our side this weekend. Hahahahahaha
No.
I call it a party but only because that sounds better than 8 people getting drunk around a pool.
I have a LOT of reasons to worry about radical feminists taking my lady balls, frankly. A lot.
Shit on my own feet while puking from my hangover. Is this what 33 is supposed to be like?
I have never in my life been turned down for sex until this weekend.
Welcome to my everyday.
Randomize
