i bet even starving children in Africa take the crust off their poptarts
sober me hid the cigs from drunk me. sober me is a tricky bitch.
woke up on the kitchen floor in the recovery position. at least drunk me remembered sober me's emt training
HOW IS IT EARTHLY POSSIBLE TO DO THAT MUCH DAMAGE WITH JUST MY THUMBS?? HOW???
I'm not sure what your ex was trying to say to me I was too busy chanting your name in his face
L'Shannah Tovah!
Whats that? My new stripper name?
I'll miss you, too. On the bright side, a night away from one another might give me a chance to recup seminal fluids.
Today I found out that my boss keeps a breathalyzer on his desk for just these sort of shenanigans
Um, It's tempting but I'm not into coke or farmers.
Sitting naked in my bed eating leftover Mexican food drinking coors light.. Can it get any more single than this?
Hey I’m obsessed with Charlie Heaton from stranger things...not because he got caught at the border with coke...okay that’s a lot of it
I plan on getting so intoxicated, that I think it's MY own birthday
Can I play this game?
So you can now add nose to my list of places that cum has gone that it shouldn't...
Oh god, I forgot we had sex to Elton John
tell me about the eggs
Randomize
