so my bro's bff came over...we had an awkward "yeah we fucked and can fuck later, but let's just pretend it didn't happen in front of the family" hug.
Tell me why I go to the dollar store for nail polish remover and a ghetto black dude trys to hit on me in the parking lot, then he gets in line behind me with a dousche bag literally and that is his only purchase.
we just watched the ball drop on the spanish channel. best mistake of my life.
I dk what to do with this kid he is like legitimately interested in my life.
we've had sex 4 times and he still refers to me as 'the chick in my chem class'
I ended up with bruises on the back of my knees. Tell me again how I did this?
I LOVE YOU NO MATTER HOW MANY BALLS YOUVE SUCKED
I just figured out how I'm going to tie you to my bed. Hint: I may have to go to the auto parts store before you get here.
The part of "Dave" will now be played by "Rob." Rob, why don't you unzip and show Dave why that is.
You don't know the true meaning of fear until your girlfriend's niece insists on sitting on your lap with 20 mg of Viagra coursing through your veins.
I showed him my machete and then we made out in the kitchen
It's 5am and I have yet to fall asleep. At what point do we just accept that I run on vodka?
All I wanted was to die alone with my dogs....how did I end up here
I don't know if I should laugh or punch you
Dude, you fell into a tree, and both of the tables, AND the window well... Resilient aren't you?
TSA found the edibles
Fuck
Oh my god he just. Swiped them for explosives and handed them back to me
God bless California
Randomize
