We had to use the stains on Phil's shirt to try to piece together what happened last night.
I woke up this morning naked, with a to-go box from Qdoba, an entire meal completely untouched. I have been piecing together my night to find some answers. I feel like Nancy Drew.
Most sexually ambiguous night of my life. Kept switching from the NBA finals to the Tonys.
As I was climbing out of the pool he slapped my ass and said 'stay golden', i don't know why but it felt right.
I told him I was engaged, had 911 on speed dial and made him wear his seatbelt, then dropped his drunk ass off at his motel...probably not the night he was expecting.
He's freaking out just because my cat licked his balls while he was fucking me
Sex-sore abs and my workout pants have gravel stains on the knees. It's like the workout of shame.
You think you know everything because you're wearing a sweater
Moral of the story: I had sex to Back to the Future last night.
I didn't know what to say so I just sent him a chicken emoji
On Tinder, guy asked me if I had ever been fucked by a Pokemon master. Needless to say I didn't respond.
He kept saying I needed to go to the hospital and it just made me want to call him a pussy so I went to bed
He could only go see Deadpool without his girl if he was black-out drunk... because spoilers. They're the perfect couple.
Hi darlin, what are you doing tonight?
.... Things I will not be proud of
its a comptetion of fuckups and im HERE TO WIN
Randomize
