I just told her she was a heartbeat above a blowup doll.
Found a left over fake Olympic medal from our party last weekend. Awarded it to a random girl in the bar last night. Its the only thing she was wearing this morning when she woke up at my place.
i just opened up my bathroom cabinet to get deodorant and found 4 bottles of natty. Its like the world wants me to miss this interview
so apparently i worked out for over an hour last night. drinking is the only way i will ever get anything done
I just witnessed Grandma making her infamous daiquiris. Extraordinary.
He just made a mudslide using rubinoff and swiss miss packets. This can't end well....
You are writing your college essay comparing yourself to Lady Gaga, Vladimir Putin, and Dale Earnhardt Jr. and you are worried about the conclusion sounding cheesy?
They woke me up at 6am and made me drink a bottle pf champagne yelling "champagne breakfast!"
I'm pretty sure this city writes new vice laws specifically because of us.
You were so drunk, you called my cruise control, the "auto pilot" and asked my car politely to take us to Taco Bell.
My favorite part was screaming to all my life by kc and jojo and just horribly failing
I'm a 23 year old adult who just ordered condoms online from Target because I'm still too embarrassed to buy them in the store.
I wrote a pretty good eulogy, too. Motherfucker pastor had no sense of comedic timing.
I thought one was bad but really there are two woman stupid enough to marry our brother...unreal
we thought it would be safer to lock you in the car alone downtown than take you back home to pass out
Randomize
