Last night was an abortion. I might need a publicist.
god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
3 complete strangers have joyously high-fived me on campus today. Tell me why, starting after jager bomb #4.
I feel uncockblockable...banged her in the bathroom with my iv still in
a kid puked on the floor and instead of, you know, cleaning it they cut a square out of the carpet with a boxcutter and threw it outside
Haha...we lost by one cup to a guy w shitty facial hair. What makes me most mad abt the loss is that I could grow a better beard on my vag.
Oh god our sink is a cavalcade of horrors. Brb sacrificing a goat and putting everything in the dishwasher forever
He said I could liberate his beef and all I could think about was how I don't eat veal for political reasons.
Can we be in one of those super weird relationships where you carry me around everywhere?
so it took us like 45 minutes to get into the party.... then when we wanted to leave we were blocked and forced to stay.
....you got kicked INTO a party??
What's life without a pregnancy scare?
I did cocaine with my cab driver all night. It was the best date.
Update: they told me I was twerking to twenty one pilots
Grandma and I are gonna see the new Tarzan movie, because we both appreciate shirtless Swedish men
apparently in the middle of sex, i said "i just really love the food network i watch it every day"
Randomize
