Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
Apparently the guard had to repeat "you're too drunk to get in" three times before I understood. I guess he was right.
You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
As of tonight I have officially had sex during every Disney movie.
im pretty sure thats the first step to being a pedafile
I brought up my Bobbly Flay drinking game in the interview. Of course I got the job.
By the end of the cruise, there was literally nothing in our room he hadn't peed on.
I swear I only do things like fuck 19 yr olds just to hear how you laugh when I tell you.
I returned her cell phone that I found in the bathroom, I felt the stretcher and the ambulance was enough of a learning experience.
I didn't notice because vodka
Wow it must be so difficult to be as popular as you are and smoke as much weed as you do
Can't decide if this guy is hot or if I'm just bored.
Sex is clearly the solution either way.
I know but we're going to blackout city so it'll probably be warm there
This is a weird combination of planning and sexting but whatever
I hear my roommate snoring and I feel bad for his girlfriend but then I hear them having sex and I guess it all works out in the end.
that blonde bartender and I racked up an impressive mini bar bill last night
Mini bar? Did you get a hotel room?
Yeah, the last thing I need right now is a chick with an insane clown posse tattoo knowing where I live
That’s legit
Randomize