im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
IM NOT LETTING YOU PEE ON ME IF THATS WHAT YOURE GETTING AT.
The Swedes wanted a tensome.
FYI the landlord called and plumbers will be tearing up the bathroom tomorrow. Apparently the tub is leaking into the apt below us so be sure to pee in the shower today.
I've got to stop making out with the guys and sharing drinks with you. I'm the reason we all get sick at the same time. Sorry.
Yes theres a double standard. Get over it. Fuck the critics and go be the slut you were born to be
Somewhere between yelling how am I gonna make it to my flight and more titie shots I stopped caring
Chasing shots with sriracha-covered mini toast was, in retrospect, not the best idea.
I was dressed in monkey onesie serving people vodka jelly with a spoon...
I stared at his lazy eye for so long, he thought I had one too. Then we bonded over our lazy eyes. I had to fake one all night. My head is fucking killing me. NEVER pretend to have a lazy eye.
im not trying to sound dramatic, but im covered in microwavable lasagna
This is your morning-after text courtesy of your very confused friend!! :) To discuss "what the hell were you trying to tell me last night," press 1. To laugh over your drunken antics, press 2. To pretend like none of it even happened (or to respond with concurrent confusion because you have no idea), press 3.
For future reference, don't put tape on your nipples. Ouch.
Dude, she stopped mid blow job to ask the cat's name. ADHD might be a deal breaker after all.
Put on your bikini and meet me at the pool \nit’s cock o’clock!
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