i just googled "what is oprah really like?" how do YOU think my night is going?
When i light up a cigarette people look at of like i'm going to pee on their children.
I twisted my ankle last night doing a super high five with 3 inch heels on.
Just did shots with my boss to warm up for our sales call to Childrens Hospital. I love startups.
My mom walked down and caught me drinking by myself, watching the nanny at 3:30AM. I had no idea what to say
I just smoked a bowl in the dining room and am now drinking a glass of chocolate milk. i can't believe i'm getting paid for this.
slut bingo starts in ten minutes ...
You kept screaming how great you were at drawing poptarts and you insisted on drawing them all over my forearm
We got back together. The pastures weren't greener on the other side, the dicks were just smaller
You have not lived until you've seen your mother stumble into the house with one shoe on mumbling incoherently about tequila cupcakes.
I misjudged the power of my pelvic thrusting capabilities. His nose is broken. Thoughts?
I just remembered something. Did we really all flash the cab driver to get half off?
With a stable of 7 fuck buddies, I literally use a random number generator to determine the order in which I will booty call them on my way home from work. I have not slept in my own bed in a month. I just keep half my clothes hanging in my car or in a suitcase.
I was so drunk last night dude. I woke up this morning to my oven being wide open and my pants on the kitchen floor.
Is it bad that whip cream tastes like sex to me?
Randomize
