sometimes when i'm walking through campus i wonder how many of these people have seen me puke
You do realize it's a Tuesday, right?
You do realize I stopped giving a fuck about calendars when I was 10, right? And besides, it could be the best Tuesday of your life.
I just found a bagel and a condom in my coat pocket. I love blackouts
I don't care how high you are, you can't finger me while eating potato chips.
At least in the future when we're all real people we can laugh about the time we all had scabies together?
I woke up to him yelling "WHO SLEEPS WITH A BEER IN THEIR HAND?!?" this of course, startled me awake and made me spill the aforementioned beer. So I guess the a answer is- not this girl, not anymore. Asshole
Even worse we were making a sex tape so our reaction to the condom breaking was recorded.
It's midsummers eve. A.k.a. come over so we can get drunk and wear leaf crowns
Also, do you think i could get away with finishing my vodka cranberry from last night at work if i put orange juice in it? Serious question.
Listen, dont tell me about your day or that your mom is in town. Don't ask me to drive you to the airport or proofread your paper. Text me when and only when you have a boner. Oh and take your pants off and leave your front door unlocked because I'm coming over.
Remember that whole "don't let me drink" thing? We should really start sticking to that.
there is a spider sitting on top of my weed like he owns it or some shit
no but seriously tf do i do? i have that spider phobia but i think my lvoe of the weed overpowers it
Thanks for letting me pee on your bed and cry about nothing to you. You're a real friend
My phone autocorrected "shhhhh" to "AHHHHHHHHH" and I feel like that says a lot about my life
Grandma and I are gonna see the new Tarzan movie, because we both appreciate shirtless Swedish men
Randomize
