She punched me in the face after i pulled it out and grabbed my cell phone. Ill be the one hiding in the bushes with one shoe.
Yeah apparently i got lonely because everyone was hooking up so i took matters into my own hands. I woke up on the floor spooning a vaccuum cleaner, a mop, 40 paper cups, and industrial grade detergent.
I guess I puked all over my hand too and I just looked at my roommate and said, "fix this."
Potato salad is not cupcake ingredient
How do I tell a friend I drunkenly broke into his house and may have lost his dog
we did shots in class this morning as part of a presentation. WHY AM I LEAVING THIS COUNTRY?!
Just so you know, a 6'7" tall gay man, with a martini in one hand and a fairy wand in the other, is not a force to be reckoned with...don't ask.
hey dude, just got with the girl in H4. so mark H off the apartment list
haha we are half through our lease and already checked off 17 letters
The words "me," "sober," and "new years eve" do not go together. Ever.
Come over. I've made 2 dinners and so many cocktails. I'm a 50's housewife with no family.
Just bought condoms with a walmart gift card. Thanks grandma.
I rode home in a shopping cart so there's that. MVP to the guy that pushed it.
I just want somebody who'll randomly bring me pizza and lovingly squeeze my butt. Is there a dating app for that, do you think?
It's Christmas. You could splurge on something a LITTLE fancier than wine in a box.
I'm feeding a baby and swiping on tinder...what has my life come to?!?!
Randomize
