my number is 615-555-1212, <3 your favorite asshole
She was like a white Oprah, but with less conviction.
Just think, the more you drink, the more options you'll have of people you want to hook up with.
Is it wierd that I kind of wish I could hang out with Melissa Joan Hart?
i'm at a baby shower....never been happier to not be having sex currently
Mom just texted me to see if it was you who was streaking at the Mariner game... Did you accept yet another $1 bet?
I just broke a sweat shaving my own vagina. Something has got to change.
I took shots of absinthe with my mom just now. Except awful things.
I bought us both waterproof cases so we can sext through FaceTime in the shower.
Next. Level. Shit.
I have meat and whiskey. will you bring condoms?
You think I'll get the "I used to stick it to your daughter" discount?
I think you are severely overestimating being able to get your lingerie back by posting the lyrics of Irreplaceable
Unless your apology includes a 20 something with loose morals and a daddy complex, I'm am not interested
What kind of true American would I be if I didn't just smoke weed in my bathrobe on my back porch in the middle of suburbia on 4/20? #stepmomoftheyear
I feel like my entire body is ashamed of me today
You're a god amongst men today
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