They peed on our pledges last night... i dont know if i should put an lol at the end of that or not
I was mid-pee and he walked in, claimed he was looking for his phone, and then asked if we could hook up since we were finally alone.
so yall hooked up?
Just bought lingerie with the intention of wearing it as a shirt. It's going to be that kind of weekend.
Both his mom and his sister were hitting on me when I stopped by today. He isn't a real friend anyway, right?
Gotcha. Well, I'm puking and trying to keep down water from a mug that says "love the moment" around the rim. Not loving this particular moment.
I'm off the liquor
You're forefathers are ashamed of you. They didn't struggle to make it to America so that you could become a soft dick
The bartender charged us for drinks. Life is different.
Who spent today in nothing but a vajazzle and candy thong? SORRY NOT SORRY
Well I accidentally flashed a 76 year old woman, i'm in a house full of republicans and Im almost drunk enough to give the gay rights speech so i'd say this wedding reception is going great
He offered me handsanitizer after a hand job, you can't tell me he's not perfect!
The best part about daylight savings time this weekend is we get an extra hour to be fucked up.
I think the pizza guy was in shock..
Well I didn't mean to answer the door only in socks but I mean come on, 4 hours of sex works up an appetite! I WAS RAVENOUS
he was really really nice, and I did coke off of his dong that night too
Here's the "to do" list i just found on my phone: buy stripper pole, make sex playlist, buy febreeze
Oh my god my purse is too heavy for me to dance with boys cause it has too many stolen sink faucets in it
Randomize
