theres bread in your mailbox im going to eat it
nevermind its newpaper
apparently, i ordered a pogo stick last night. i can't even be mad about that.
New term. "Find a husband" fridays. It's like thirsty thursdays, but with a dowry.
And for some reason I was covered in ants... So your probably covered in ants as well
We were dancing and she was clawing my stomach like a fat kid getting to a half broken pinata.
She sat next to me on the couch and said "word going around is you got a sweet cock". My nickname problem was solved!
If you don't get head tonight I will castrate you
Seriously. Castrate.
Carson kissed me on my cold sore before I could stop him so I think I gave my kid herpes. Mom of the year. Just call me MOTY.
Where are you? Your parents are here. Their flight got in early.
Trashy Tequila Tuesdays. Have them meet me here @ the bar.
I'm not sending your parents to see you drunk at a gay bar. What kind of boyfriend do you think I am?
A great one. Entertain them i'll be home soon....... I think
And then she said "wanna make a vine of me twerking on the wall?"
So tomorrow I have my performance review with my boss who I banged. When I go in should I ask if this review will be rating my sex or work performance?
You seemed underwhelmed by my smooth, smooth ass
my roommate woke me up with head. more awkward than it sounds.
It's not my fault I make her feel like a Taylor Swift album
I think the cop who arrested me yesterday is at my gym rn should I say hi
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