Just saw a midget shotgun a coors light
They just gave us root beer floats. I guess I won't quit my job today.
I took it to a new level. I'm procrastinating taking my adderall. Hate finals week.
I think its safe to assume that the 40yr old undergraduate with purple and pink in her hair and a tattoo of the eiffel tower above her ass crack has never actually been to Paris...
not saying it was a bad idea to throw an impromptu party but someone stole the microwave
I told him to pick up the beer can he threw in front of the police station. So he gets out chugs whatever's left and throws it back and says ok let's go.
I never thought people would keep their guns next to their fake plastic penises, but there they were.
Literally every boy I've dated is now in a somewhat successful band. My vagina has obviously been blessed by the rock gods.
She put a shot in my mouth and then hit me with a pillow..
I mean when you laced a shot with $200 worth of cocaine I could see why you'd be mad when somebody drops it
He called me for phone sex. Do you know how hard it is to fake an orgasm, and play Candy Crush at the same time?
Should I tell him how he got the bruise on his ass or just enjoy his theories?
Once again, marijuana saves me from going to jail
I'm trying to cause a divorce, your hooking up with a felon, I think we need Jesus.
He also sent me nipple clamps because romance is NOT dead
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