So ignoring my calls doesnt work if you update your facebook a minute later.
I was curling my hair today and I looked at my curling iron and thought...
You at least unplugged it right?
do you think theyll let us bring mariachis to the strip club?
Dude, you need to come clean your dates vomit off the ceiling. What in the hell were you guys doing?!
Thanks for coming to the hospital with me, In return, I will buy you ecstasy.
I just laughed at the word pudding. I have no idea whats going on right now.
He was still there when I ran half naked into my suitemate's room where she was skyping her boyfriend and I started singing I JUST HAD SEEEEX
The forecast for tonight is alcohol and low expectations.
You're the only meteorologist I listen to.
I knew full well that at some point during the night my penis would be out with this costume choice
Btw "you gettin a workout in" isn't a great gym pickup line. Like no I'm fucking grabbing lunch on my way to class.
It may be a clusterfuck, but I'll be looking classy as shit as I watch the nightmare unfold
I just matched the dude who's car I rear ended 2 years ago on tinder. I don't think he remembers.
i don't know what happened one minute im stumbling home drunk and the next im drinking pabst and smoking with a french guy ive never met named hugo.
It's not a hangover, it's "slept on a couch with another person and said person moves a lot and is loud"
It was pretty awesome. I drank out of a stein and attempted to dance to dubstep with some older guys in leiderhosen.
Randomize