he breathalyzed me before we had sex.
no sex. but he left me weed, so almost as good.
Vodka infused whipped cream. Shit just got real.
If its allowed to Tornado at 830am then Im allowed to have a beer and a cigarette at 830am
Johns diaper came in the mail. He's freaking out thinking there's some conspiracy going on since he sharted on the drive home from st. Louis
I stole an ensure out of their fridge and started chugging it. That was when Maria made me leave.
What's up with the fire hydrant in the laundry room?
I'm in the sex attic, crying, eating french toast and taco
Am I really that high, or did I just spray febreeze outside ?
I walked in and found you petting your fish outside the bowl, you said its fine, you do this all the Time.
You're wearing pigtails and giving away our kitchen appliances. Clearly, you're drunk.
So, then you thought it was a good idea to dress up like the Hamburglar, buy a bag full of McDonalds hamburgers, go to Burger King and throw them at everyone while screaming "HAMBURGLAR!". At that point there was no stopping you.
I miss my bedroom and my bed and being able to spray myself with my choice of 15 different perfumes so I don't have to wake up to the smell of my past sins
Took my nervous poop earlier then expected it's gonna be a good day
what a classic moment of my life. A buffet of taco bell and a taser gun.
Randomize
